In Vietnam, "you #1" was a compliment

When I was in Vietnam, the Vietnamese had a universal way to describe the relative value of things in English. If they said “You number one…” that meant you were the best. If they said, “You number Tenn…” that meant you were a sorry, low down, dirty, snitch. I think their scale is apt for general use today.

It’s been decades but remains a fond memory. Tennessee used to issue their license plates in the shape of the state. As a kid, when we were traveling in the back of the station wagon, we could always tell the Tennessee cars by the shape of their tag. We could also tell them by how fast they were going… usually about 25 mph…the black smoke coming from the tail pipe, the rust holes, missing bumpers, plastic sheets taped over broken windows and the people in the cars. Now, all that is in the distant past. You can no longer tell a Tennessee car from a distance by the shape of the tag… but can make a good guess by the black smoke, the rust holes … etc.

I was flying from New Orleans to DC last week. Idly looking out the window, I noticed something… while over Alabama, the fields, farms and towns were neatly laid out, geometric lines in squares, rectangles of various size. Upon crossing the border, all that changed. It looked like a kindergartener had randomly scrawled the shape of property. I suspect this is related to why the shape of Tennessee has that squashed rectangle look… its likely the Tennesseans charged with surveying the boundaries were so moonshine drunk they couldn’t draw a right angle. Some things never change.

Here is a mystery I need help with. Did you know that Tennessee borders eight states, the most in the Union? Funny … my step-dad was from Kentucky. I grew up in Florida, went to Alabama, spent time in the military in North Carolina, lived briefly in Georgia and Virginia, now live in New Orleans. The mystery…? Everywhere the residents of any State that touches Tennessee invariable hate them. Virginians look down on them, North Carolinans think it is a place to go if you are in trouble with the law. Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi have border checkpoints to keep out the undesirables. Arkansas and Missouri try to ignore them, and Kentuckians think the place is a damn black hole. Even one state removed, Florida, South Carolina, etc., the stink from the sewer is noxious. There has to be a reason, a common denominator … oh yeah … now I remember…

One of the few things Tennessee is famous for is country music, and I do mean kow-one-tree. I heard this years ago. As you know, Johnny Cash wrote the song “Ring of Fire” when he started living in Nashville. But did you know “I fell in to a burning ring of fire…” referred to moving to Tennessee and going to hell?