The 2013 Hater's Guide to the Top 25

from deadspin

1. Alabama. Nick Saban. Of course it's Nick Saban. Even in a state with such a rich history of ignorance, racism, and general stupidity, Nick Saban can stand out as the most vile element. Just this week, a GQ article came out in which Saban openly bitched that the national title game hurt his recruiting. Not only is Saban the most insane of insane coaches, but he has crossed the rubicon and become an impossible parody of an insane, humorless coach. ALL THESE DAMN CHAMPIONSHIPS HAVE MADE MAH PLAYERS SOFT! I WISH I'D NEVER WON 'EM! He's awful. And the worst part is that other coaches strive to emulate him. Like college basketball's little army of mini-Pitinos, there are more than enough Saban clones out there with perfect hair, micro-regimented schedules, and near-Soviet levels of hatred for human mirth.

By the way, do you folks at 'Bama realize how lucky you people are that Saban said yes to you? The four previous Crimson Tide head coaches were Mike Shula, Mike Price, Dennis Franchione (who ditched the team for the dumpster fire that is Waco), and Mike DuBose (banged his secretary). You people should build Saban TWO statues for rescuing you from that decade. If Saban stays with the Dolphins, Alabama is 6-6 for the rest of eternity. So enjoy your title run, Bama fans. The day Saban dies of a heart attack, it's back to hiring DuBose dongalikes for you.

5. Georgia. This state has winning pro teams like the Falcons and Braves, and yet the people there choose to spend all their fan capital on a college team that can't even win its own conference. Are you people fricking stupid? (JUST KIDDING I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER IS YES.) Alabama fans are justifiably batshit crazy for the Tide because they win stuff. You win nothing. It makes no sense. It's like being a Washington Generals fan.

6. South Carolina. FUN FACT: Hootie & the Blowfish have a street named after them in Columbia. Hootie Boulevard (!!!!!) was dedicated in 2010, and the band also got a MONUMENT built in their honor, which is exactly .000000000 percent as cool as Detroit's RoboCop statue.

Ragging on Hootie Blvd. is the meanest thing I can do with the Gamecocks because they invited me to speak to their incoming freshman class a week ago. Now you think real hard about the quality of a school that would allow something like that to happen.

7. Texas A&M. Football Bieber. It's not even close. Before Johnny Football arrived, A&M was just a boot camp for ugly people and aspiring arsonists. Now it's home to a sniveling, whiny, alcoholic redneck brat who deserves to have his name dragged through the mud. Five years from now, Johnny Football will be run out of the NFL and will be pissing in buckets and spitting on roadies backstage at Keith Urban concerts. He's a jackass. Get ready for 20 more single-half suspensions.

10. Florida. DUNNNN DUNANANA GO GATORS! Every five fricking seconds. It's telling that the main cheer at Florida resembles a grade school lesson in figuring out which number is bigger. Is it five or is it SEVEN? I dunno we'll find out after Aaron Hernandez shoots EIGHT more people!

12. LSU. As always, it's these fans. Louisianans can brag about their culture all they like, but the fact is that their state is like an unofficial version of 1980s South Africa, albeit with better food.