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Clempshun Jokes
Posted on 11/13/12 at 2:26 pm
Posted on 11/13/12 at 2:26 pm
Post 'em if you got 'em.
Three UPS guys deliver a large package to Clemson Coach Dabo Swinney's house. Dabo isn't home but his Mom answers the door. She guides the 3 UPS men carrying the package to the master bathroom and requests that they help her take the package out and put it up on the wall.
The UPS men oblige and see that the item is a large portrait of Steve Spurrier. The men ask, "Mrs. Swinney, where do you want us to hang this painting?"
Mrs Swinney replies, "please hang it across from the toilet."
The men do as she requests.
As the men are walking out of the house, one of the man bewilderedly turns to Mrs. Swinney and inquires, "Mrs Swinney, I don't mean to overstep here, but why did we just hang a picture of Spurrier in Dabo's bathroom?"
Mrs Swinney says, "Well, Dabo suffers from severe constipation, and we found that nothing makes himself crap faster than seeing Steve Spurrier up close."
bazinga.
Three UPS guys deliver a large package to Clemson Coach Dabo Swinney's house. Dabo isn't home but his Mom answers the door. She guides the 3 UPS men carrying the package to the master bathroom and requests that they help her take the package out and put it up on the wall.
The UPS men oblige and see that the item is a large portrait of Steve Spurrier. The men ask, "Mrs. Swinney, where do you want us to hang this painting?"
Mrs Swinney replies, "please hang it across from the toilet."
The men do as she requests.
As the men are walking out of the house, one of the man bewilderedly turns to Mrs. Swinney and inquires, "Mrs Swinney, I don't mean to overstep here, but why did we just hang a picture of Spurrier in Dabo's bathroom?"
Mrs Swinney says, "Well, Dabo suffers from severe constipation, and we found that nothing makes himself crap faster than seeing Steve Spurrier up close."
bazinga.
This post was edited on 11/13/12 at 2:27 pm
1
Posted on 11/13/12 at 3:45 pm to CockInYourEar
Dabo and Spurrier were on a brief vacation coincidently at the same time and place. They ran into each other at the beach and started talking and walking.
They were talking about the past season and what their expectations for the next season. Spurrier jabbed about how great it would be for the Gamecocks to go into Death Valley east this year and get another victory. This infuriated Dabo, he lost focus and tripped over something in the sand.
Spurrier leaned down to see what it was sticking up and found an old oil lamp.
Dabo said, "Dear sweet mama, Let me see that.."
Spurrier sucked his teeth and handed the bottle to Dabo.
As soon as Dabo's sweatshirt grazed the side of the lamp and Genie came out and said, "Behold, I am the Genie of the Lamp, each who has freed me gets one wish."
Dabo replied, "Hey Genie, I thought we get 3 wishes. If so each of us should get one more."
The Genie smugly stated, "That would be 4 wishes, c'mon man."
Spurrier snickered, "Click Clack."
Dabo grew impatient, looked at Spurrier and said, "Genie, I'm ready to make my wish. I want a wall around Clemson that NO Gamecock could ever penetrate."
The Genie exclaimed, "Your wish is my command!" Suddenly a great wall erected around Clemson, SC. Next the Genie said to Spurrier, "What is your wish?"
Spurrier, puckered his lip, and looked inquisitively at the Genie and inquired, "Genie, tell me more about that wall?"
The Genie responded, "The wall surrounding Clemson, SC is impenetrable. The Wall is 1000 feet high, 1000 feet deep, 1000 feet thick and air tight."
Spurrier commanded, "Ok then Genie, fill it with water."
They were talking about the past season and what their expectations for the next season. Spurrier jabbed about how great it would be for the Gamecocks to go into Death Valley east this year and get another victory. This infuriated Dabo, he lost focus and tripped over something in the sand.
Spurrier leaned down to see what it was sticking up and found an old oil lamp.
Dabo said, "Dear sweet mama, Let me see that.."
Spurrier sucked his teeth and handed the bottle to Dabo.
As soon as Dabo's sweatshirt grazed the side of the lamp and Genie came out and said, "Behold, I am the Genie of the Lamp, each who has freed me gets one wish."
Dabo replied, "Hey Genie, I thought we get 3 wishes. If so each of us should get one more."
The Genie smugly stated, "That would be 4 wishes, c'mon man."
Spurrier snickered, "Click Clack."
Dabo grew impatient, looked at Spurrier and said, "Genie, I'm ready to make my wish. I want a wall around Clemson that NO Gamecock could ever penetrate."
The Genie exclaimed, "Your wish is my command!" Suddenly a great wall erected around Clemson, SC. Next the Genie said to Spurrier, "What is your wish?"
Spurrier, puckered his lip, and looked inquisitively at the Genie and inquired, "Genie, tell me more about that wall?"
The Genie responded, "The wall surrounding Clemson, SC is impenetrable. The Wall is 1000 feet high, 1000 feet deep, 1000 feet thick and air tight."
Spurrier commanded, "Ok then Genie, fill it with water."
Posted on 11/16/12 at 9:35 am to CockInYourEar
A secretive government agency needed a group of assassins to pull off a high profile job. In the middle of the night, they brought in 3 potential candidates, one was a USC fan, another was a UGA fan and the other one was a Clemson fan.
The 3 candidates were taken to a room with 4 doors, one of the doors was the door they came in.
An Agent went up to the UGA fan first and said, "We have an important mission involving national security and the possible fate of the free world. You have been selected to help, but to prove your upmost loyalty to our country, you need to walk through that door and kill you wife, who's sitting down in a chair."
The UGA fan is then handed a gun, he walks up to the first door, goes inside and after a few moments walks back out. The UGA fan said, "I'm sorry sir, I can't kill her, I get my season tickets from her father and if she dies, I can kiss those tickets goodbye."
He gave the gun back to the Agent.
Then, the Agent walked up to the USC fan and said, "We have an important mission involving national security and the possible fate of the free world. You have been selected to help, but to prove your upmost loyalty to our country, you need to walk through that door and kill you wife, who's sitting down in a chair."
The USC fan took the gun, walked through the 2nd door and after a few moments walked back out. He approached the Agent, returned the gun and said, "I'm sorry, Sir, I love her to much and we have 3 kids together. I can't willfully take their mother from them."
The Agent engaged the Clemson fan and said, "We have an important mission involving national security and the possible fate of the free world. You have been selected to help, but to prove your upmost loyalty to our country, you need to walk through that door and kill you wife, who's sitting down in a chair."
The Clemson fan took the gun, walked through the 3rd door and the room erupted with muffled yelling "Danny Ford...'Merica...orange is camo...1981...at least the sheep is loyal...." Then came the noises BANG! BANG BANG!........CRASH! SMASH! THUMP!!!!
The Agents were perplexed on what happened and rushed into the room with the Clemson fan. They asked him, "What happened?"
The Clemson fan replied, "You gave me blank bullets, so I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair."
The 3 candidates were taken to a room with 4 doors, one of the doors was the door they came in.
An Agent went up to the UGA fan first and said, "We have an important mission involving national security and the possible fate of the free world. You have been selected to help, but to prove your upmost loyalty to our country, you need to walk through that door and kill you wife, who's sitting down in a chair."
The UGA fan is then handed a gun, he walks up to the first door, goes inside and after a few moments walks back out. The UGA fan said, "I'm sorry sir, I can't kill her, I get my season tickets from her father and if she dies, I can kiss those tickets goodbye."
He gave the gun back to the Agent.
Then, the Agent walked up to the USC fan and said, "We have an important mission involving national security and the possible fate of the free world. You have been selected to help, but to prove your upmost loyalty to our country, you need to walk through that door and kill you wife, who's sitting down in a chair."
The USC fan took the gun, walked through the 2nd door and after a few moments walked back out. He approached the Agent, returned the gun and said, "I'm sorry, Sir, I love her to much and we have 3 kids together. I can't willfully take their mother from them."
The Agent engaged the Clemson fan and said, "We have an important mission involving national security and the possible fate of the free world. You have been selected to help, but to prove your upmost loyalty to our country, you need to walk through that door and kill you wife, who's sitting down in a chair."
The Clemson fan took the gun, walked through the 3rd door and the room erupted with muffled yelling "Danny Ford...'Merica...orange is camo...1981...at least the sheep is loyal...." Then came the noises BANG! BANG BANG!........CRASH! SMASH! THUMP!!!!
The Agents were perplexed on what happened and rushed into the room with the Clemson fan. They asked him, "What happened?"
The Clemson fan replied, "You gave me blank bullets, so I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair."
Posted on 11/18/12 at 9:54 pm to CockInYourEar
...this still wasn't the reason he was fired.
Posted on 11/18/12 at 9:55 pm to CockInYourEar
Posted on 11/19/12 at 8:29 am to CockInYourEar
Q: What does Dabo have in common with a Used Car Salesman?
A: They both know when they are lying.
A: They both know when they are lying.
Posted on 11/20/12 at 7:52 am to CockInYourEar
Why Doesn't Clemson have a Law School?
They don't know how to teach Defense!
They don't know how to teach Defense!
Posted on 11/21/12 at 9:39 am to CockInYourEar
What does clemsux's football entrance and their fans' sex life have in common?
They both start by rubbing something, but then it's all downhill from there and lasts about 30 seconds.
They both start by rubbing something, but then it's all downhill from there and lasts about 30 seconds.
This post was edited on 11/21/12 at 9:40 am
Posted on 11/22/12 at 7:07 am to CockInYourEar
Things you will never hear an Clemson fan say:
I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Nope, no more for me. I’m driving tonight.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
I’ve got it all on the C: drive.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad..
Do you think my gut is too big?
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Come to think of it, Spurrier is a great coach.
I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
Let’s go to the museum.
Four wheelers are just too dangerous.
I have reviewed your application.
Congratulations, you are hired.
I hope this wasn’t tested on animals.
What I learned from reading this book....
I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Nope, no more for me. I’m driving tonight.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
I’ve got it all on the C: drive.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad..
Do you think my gut is too big?
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Come to think of it, Spurrier is a great coach.
I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
Let’s go to the museum.
Four wheelers are just too dangerous.
I have reviewed your application.
Congratulations, you are hired.
I hope this wasn’t tested on animals.
What I learned from reading this book....
Posted on 11/23/12 at 10:49 pm to CockInYourEar
Posted on 11/24/12 at 9:24 am to CockInYourEar
A visiting professor at clemson is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic."
"But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience ."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Damn... From back there I thought you said 'goats'."
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic."
"But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience ."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Damn... From back there I thought you said 'goats'."
Posted on 11/24/12 at 10:24 am to CockInYourEar
Why did Dabo Swinney cross the road?
Because frick Dabo Swinney, that's why.
Because frick Dabo Swinney, that's why.
Posted on 11/24/12 at 10:52 am to Bluefin
What does Clemson and Marijuana have in common?
They both get smoked out of bowls
They both get smoked out of bowls
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