SEC is the BEST, but some of us are the worst...

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The 10 Worst Teams in College Football

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Our annual countdown of the most useless squads the BCS has to offer

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10. NOTRE DAME

Any notion that the Irish are lucky should be long gone by now. Sure, they got rid of human cheeseburger Charlie Weis, who brought the once-storied team to the height of mediocrity over five seasons, but new coach Brian Kelly grabbed the reins just in time to wave goodbye to star QB Jimmy Clausen. His replacement, junior Dayne Crist, is coming off a major knee injury and will have to learn an offense that’s only marginally less complicated than the plot of Inception. Plus, the defense will be switching to a new scheme after giving up a school record 400 yards per game last year. Give the Irish credit for their smarts, though: By scheduling sandbag games like Army and Western Michigan, they might be able to pad their record. And their tiny leprechaun egos.

9. MISSISSIPPI STATE

Mississippi is famous for three things: double letters, a really long river, and, lately, some really bad football. The Bulldogs managed to scrape their way to three conference wins in the super-competitive SEC last year—including a vic­tory over nationally ranked local rival Ole Miss—on their way to a 5-7 overall record. They even led the conference in rushing yards per game, but that was largely due to running back Anthony Dixon, who departed for the NFL. The good news? The defense returns eight starters, who just might have a sense of where the end zone is after giving up 321 points last year. (Psst, guys—just in case, it’s behind you!) Bottom line: State’s improving slightly, but like Miley Cyrus, it’s at least a year or two away from prime time.

8. COLORADO

Congratulations to coach Dan Hawkins! Thanks to your 16-33 record over four seasons, we’re crowning you Most Likely to Get Canned in 2010. Hawkins was hired to fire up Colorado’s offense, but with last year’s Buffaloes scoring less than an armless midget at a slam dunk contest, it’s easy to see why the unemployment rate should rise by one in the Rocky Mountains area after this season. Not helping matters is the team’s brutal Big 12 schedule, which includes games at Nebraska and Oklahoma. Don’t wait for the mountains to turn blue, Colorado fans—better start pounding those Coors Lights now.

7. LOUISVILLE

Here’s hoping fans at Papa John’s Cardinal Stadium get free breadsticks with their order of weekly gridiron misery; otherwise there’s pretty much no reason for them to attend a game. Incoming coach Charlie Strong is hoping to reenergize a once-promising program that’s won only 15 games over the past three seasons. But in the process, he’ll have to resolve a quarterback controversy between seniors Adam Froman and Justin Burke, who led the Cards to a combined average of 18 points per game last year. Lucky for Coach, that competition may sort itself out. Since the O-line allowed 37 sacks last year, one if not both of the QBs will probably end up in the hospital. Is it basketball season yet?

6. MINNESOTA

As Minnesota’s been playing football since 1882, you’d think they’d have gotten the hang of it by now. Sadly, that seems not to be the case. The Golden Gophers are far beneath the Nittany Lions, Wolverines, and Badgers on the conference food chain, and without an inspiring mascot change (the Mutant Panthers of Death, perhaps?), they’re likely to get eaten alive yet again. With an offense that finished dead last in scoring last year, the maroon and gold seems certain to be the 11th team in the Big 10.

5. SYRACUSE

The program built on gridiron legends like Ernie Davis and the great Jim Brown has fallen on hard times over the past, oh, 10 years. In 2009 alum Doug Marrone took over, fresh off a two-year stint as offensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints, and injected upstate New York with a much-needed shot of adrenaline in the form of QB Greg Paulus. An ex-Duke point guard who was able to retain one year of football eligibility, Paulus had just enough time and skill to lead ’Cuse to a not completely embarrassing 4-8 record. But the Orange secondary handed offenses 235 yards per game, which spells trouble heading into this season. Maybe Marrone should get Donovan McNabb back onto the field? Can’t be any worse than playing for the Redskins.

4. DUKE

This team is to football what Pauly D and the Situation are to sex: They get some play, but that doesn’t mean they’re any good. The consistently atrocious Blue Devils actually won five games last year for the first time since 1994, but their one bright spot, QB Thaddeus Lewis, graduated to the pros. Translation: The Dookies offense will have to rely on a running game that churned out a Division I–worst 63.5 yards per game, roughly the equivalent of the quarterback falling forward on every play. Maybe that’s why they chose to open the season against the mighty Elon Phoenix of Division I-AA. Calling Coach K: Can you spare a motion offense for your friends down the hall?

3. VANDERBILT

Pop quiz: If your football program just went 2-10 for the third time in eight seasons, would you load the following year’s schedule with weak extra-conference opponents and local junior colleges, or would you arrange to play against 10 teams who made bowl appearances last year? If you’re ex-Vanderbilt coach Bobby Johnson, you choose door number two…then quit just three weeks before your first scheduled practice, leaving your O-line coach holding the bag. The decision to take the hard road is even more puzzling given that the Commodores’ D is losing five of its front seven starters. Factor in the loss of four offensive linemen as well and your guess is as good as ours as to what the hell’s gonna happen at the line of scrimmage in any of these games. You’re likely to see more cohesive movement—and be far more entertained—at a Civil War reenactment.

2. VIRGINIA

Though Virginia alums refer to their school as the “Harvard of the ACC,” the Cavaliers weren’t smart enough to improve their aerial attack after finishing last in the conference in pass efficiency in 2009. The only QB on the team with any experience, Marc Verica, threw 16 interceptions in ’08 and, unsurprisingly, saw limited action last year. Expect two early wins against creampuff opponents Richmond and Virginia Military Institute…followed by a thunderous collapse into one of the worst seasons on record.

1. WASHINGTON STATE

Everyone knows Cougars are easy, but what happened in Pullman last year is ridiculous. The entire Pac-10 scored at will on WSU, which gave up 357 points while putting a pathetic 80 on the board. Only an overtime win against Southern Methodist saved them from a winless record. (Thanks, Jesus!) But they may not be so lucky this year. Returning to the turf is an offensive line that should’ve been charged with involuntary manslaughter after allowing its QB to be sacked a whopping 53 times. In fact, the ‘09 squad ranked last in every single one of the Pac-10’s major statistical categories. Throw in a worst-in-the-nation defense that gave up more than 500 yards per game and the Cougs’ chances of success this season drop to nil. What about incoming recruits, you ask? What about that 1-17 conference record over the past two years, we answer. Let’s face it: No one’s coming to save WSU anytime soon. In fact, if you can tackle and would like a four-year degree in veterinary medicine (their program is the tops!), feel free to give Coach Wulff a ring. And, Washington State, take heart. The dubious honor we’ve just bestowed on you does have one upside: This is the only top 10 list you’re gonna make this year. You’re welcome

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