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re: Your best wife story
Posted on 9/23/16 at 11:11 am to LanierSpots
Posted on 9/23/16 at 11:11 am to LanierSpots
I do have another good one. My wife is a teacher, so please feel for the kids after this story.
While I was in grad school she was finishing up her last year at LSU so she flew up to visit me in Georgia. Riding home from the airport, she said it was crazy that I was only a few months older than her but a year ahead. I said what on earth are you talking about, and that I was a year and a few months older. She said no, you were born in October and I was born in December so that is only a few months....After my initial shock I told her I was born in X year and she was born in Y year. She said what difference does it make????
I still pick on her about it to this day, which is basically why we have a cat now.
While I was in grad school she was finishing up her last year at LSU so she flew up to visit me in Georgia. Riding home from the airport, she said it was crazy that I was only a few months older than her but a year ahead. I said what on earth are you talking about, and that I was a year and a few months older. She said no, you were born in October and I was born in December so that is only a few months....After my initial shock I told her I was born in X year and she was born in Y year. She said what difference does it make????
I still pick on her about it to this day, which is basically why we have a cat now.
This post was edited on 9/23/16 at 11:12 am
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Posted on 9/23/16 at 12:41 pm to Cheese Grits
Back when Bill Clinton was getting hummers in the white house from Monica Lewinsky, I was watching the news with my kids at home.
My oldest daughter, who was 11 at the time, turns to me and asks "whats fellatio?" What did that lady do?
My son, who was a bit older is rolling on the floor. He says to his sister.. "hey go ask mom that question!"
My response after listening to this was "believe me, she wont know either"...
My oldest daughter, who was 11 at the time, turns to me and asks "whats fellatio?" What did that lady do?
My son, who was a bit older is rolling on the floor. He says to his sister.. "hey go ask mom that question!"
My response after listening to this was "believe me, she wont know either"...
Posted on 9/23/16 at 12:48 pm to Cheese Grits
I literally got a few posts down and decided to stop reading so I can go home later and read this while drinking a beer like I'm at a family reunion. You guys kill... 
Now my wife story. I've been married 20 years so this is from the 90's when we were dating.
I'm getting off work one night and we had plans to go out of town. She calls me and I told her I was hauling arse toward the house to get a shower and pick her up. She says, "Okay baby but watch out for the mechanical deer on the way home. The Game Warden and Georgia State Patrol (GSP) are out trying to catch folks." I'm like WTF are you talking about? Long story short she got confused when she heard that the game wardens were using mechanical deer to catch poachers and the GSP were posting road blocks to check for registration and DUIs.
No Shiite she graduated third in her class in high school and has a graduate degree from OU.
Now my wife story. I've been married 20 years so this is from the 90's when we were dating.
I'm getting off work one night and we had plans to go out of town. She calls me and I told her I was hauling arse toward the house to get a shower and pick her up. She says, "Okay baby but watch out for the mechanical deer on the way home. The Game Warden and Georgia State Patrol (GSP) are out trying to catch folks." I'm like WTF are you talking about? Long story short she got confused when she heard that the game wardens were using mechanical deer to catch poachers and the GSP were posting road blocks to check for registration and DUIs.
No Shiite she graduated third in her class in high school and has a graduate degree from OU.
Posted on 9/24/16 at 12:57 am to AirDawg
My wife (fiancée at the time of this story) was going to cook me and my roommate dinner...she decided on meatloaf...it was in the oven 45 minutes before I got home...an hour after that, it is still not ready...she asks me to check on why it was taking so long...I make a joke before opening the oven saying she must be making a 3 lb meatloaf...she says, how did you know?
3lbs of meatloaf in a 5 inch high square takes forever to cook btw...
Still tease her about this 8 years later.
3lbs of meatloaf in a 5 inch high square takes forever to cook btw...
Still tease her about this 8 years later.
Posted on 9/28/16 at 10:15 pm to thekid
Just in case Garfield has a story to add
Posted on 9/29/16 at 6:38 am to Cheese Grits
Not as good as some of ya'll, but here goes - my then wife and I were driving back from her family's place in FL one night when a neon billboard (on 95) that was usually lit was out for some reason. With her being from FL and knowing how she talks about sea turtles and all, I seized on the opportunity and told her that they cut it off because of the deer - that they follow the light like the turtles do - and had to cut it off to keep them from trying to cross 95. Totally believed me. Until I get a call at work the next day about it.. 
Posted on 9/29/16 at 8:39 am to Cheese Grits
My wife's family's dog, which they had owned since she was 10, passed away a month before the wedding. We were so busy leading up to the wedding that she really didn't have time to grieve. Well, about 2 months after the wedding, she's really missing her big loveable lab. We have a dog already (I'd had a small yorkie mix for a couple years prior to the marriage), but now she wants a BIG dog.
I say no because we're still setting up the new house, I don't have time for another dog, she's still looking for a job, she has bad pet allergies so the dog would have to be an outside, and the backyard isn't set up for a dog to sleep all night out there (no dry place to sleep).
So she waits about 2 weeks while she gets the house a little more set up (bathrooms are done, kitchen is more or less done, bathrooms are done, dining room is done) and she asks again, saying theres an adoption event for dogs from this shelter that had been destroyed in a natural disaster. I relent and go with her, making it clear that we probably won't get a dog today.
She sees a little 8 week old black lab puppy and just has to have it and its sister which are the last of its litter. So now we have two velociraptor puppies peeing, pooping, and eating things all over our dining room
I say no because we're still setting up the new house, I don't have time for another dog, she's still looking for a job, she has bad pet allergies so the dog would have to be an outside, and the backyard isn't set up for a dog to sleep all night out there (no dry place to sleep).
So she waits about 2 weeks while she gets the house a little more set up (bathrooms are done, kitchen is more or less done, bathrooms are done, dining room is done) and she asks again, saying theres an adoption event for dogs from this shelter that had been destroyed in a natural disaster. I relent and go with her, making it clear that we probably won't get a dog today.
She sees a little 8 week old black lab puppy and just has to have it and its sister which are the last of its litter. So now we have two velociraptor puppies peeing, pooping, and eating things all over our dining room
Posted on 9/29/16 at 8:55 am to Cheese Grits
Not really all that funny but it tickled the crap outta me at the time.
Being from Augusta, and a guy in general, I love to play golf. I have a Titleist hat that I wear all the time around the house that sparked this conversation. We were sitting in our apartment one day before we got married and were watching TV. Out of no where, a fact about one of her friends from high school popped into her head.
"Hey, did I ever tell you that one of my high school friends is sponsored by 'Fit-Least'". Thats how she pronounced it. Now because this is out of nowhere I am taken completely off guard. I ask her, "Oh yeah? For what?" Without missing a beat she says, "for golf dummy. What else does 'Fit-least' sell?"
I tell her that I've played for years, know a bunch of companies, but I have never heard of "Fit-least". She unblinkingly, knowing that I am clearly challenging her on this says "you are wearing one of their hats right now!" Her conviction actually makes me question my own intelligence. I take my hat off and look at it. I start dying laughing. Uncontrollably laughing right at her. I can see the anger growing. I ask, "have you thought that is the pronunciation of this brand for a long time and have you ever said it out loud to anyone?" She asked why. When I told her how you really say it she had the same shamed look a puppy has when he pees on the carpet.
Being from Augusta, and a guy in general, I love to play golf. I have a Titleist hat that I wear all the time around the house that sparked this conversation. We were sitting in our apartment one day before we got married and were watching TV. Out of no where, a fact about one of her friends from high school popped into her head.
"Hey, did I ever tell you that one of my high school friends is sponsored by 'Fit-Least'". Thats how she pronounced it. Now because this is out of nowhere I am taken completely off guard. I ask her, "Oh yeah? For what?" Without missing a beat she says, "for golf dummy. What else does 'Fit-least' sell?"
I tell her that I've played for years, know a bunch of companies, but I have never heard of "Fit-least". She unblinkingly, knowing that I am clearly challenging her on this says "you are wearing one of their hats right now!" Her conviction actually makes me question my own intelligence. I take my hat off and look at it. I start dying laughing. Uncontrollably laughing right at her. I can see the anger growing. I ask, "have you thought that is the pronunciation of this brand for a long time and have you ever said it out loud to anyone?" She asked why. When I told her how you really say it she had the same shamed look a puppy has when he pees on the carpet.
Posted on 9/29/16 at 9:12 am to Cheese Grits
quote:
My wife wanted a cat and I did not want a cat, so we compromised and got a cat.
Guy sounds like me, a peacemaker who just wants a little peace and quiet.
Posted on 9/29/16 at 1:18 pm to Cheese Grits
Alright, my first story is short. My wife is from St Louis, and one time visiting, we went for a tour of the Budweiser plant. At the end of the tour, my wife announces to everyone that she remembers where we parked - "look on the ground for MPH 5".
We all look at each other, and tell her that every lane has a 5 MPH speed limit painted, and that might not be parking signs. I give her grief about that to this day.
We all look at each other, and tell her that every lane has a 5 MPH speed limit painted, and that might not be parking signs. I give her grief about that to this day.
Posted on 9/29/16 at 7:49 pm to blacknblu
First time my wife tried to cook for me she made hamburger helper. Didn't cook the hamburger first. Just put that shite in a pan with everything else for 20 minutes. She was 17. She's 35 now and still can only cook maybe 4 decent meals
Posted on 9/29/16 at 8:56 pm to Lilarny
My wife and I always argue about her driving,so one day on a trip we are really going at it until I stop and say "ok I know who we can get to settle this!" She says "who" I said"The cop with his lights on behind you," To this day If we get in a argument all I have say is "do I need to call officer Sanders to settle this"
Posted on 9/29/16 at 9:55 pm to Cheese Grits
another one i forgot about.
so we live in a downtown historic district of an old town. i live by perfectly kept plantations homes worth 1MM and crackhouses that i'm worried are going to blow up sometimes.
unfortunately one of our neighbors is a HUD based duplex. i've had my mix of puerto rican weed dealers (who was an effing awesome neighbor) to tweakers, to a sweet old illegal immigrant couple.
after living amongst rich people and the other side for a while, i've decided that i will take ANYTHING over white trash.
one couple that lived there for a while was a very overweight and loud/obnoxious. at first it was no biggie. they kept to themselves. then they would always come outside when we were coming or leaving and just stare. the dude scoped my wife all the time. which is fine. she's an attractive lady and he's pushing 350, so i'm not worried.
then it takes a turn for the weird. every time my wife or kids are outside, she would come out and stare her down. then i heard her call her a whore. i was like... ummm wut?
we used to host a small group from church at our house every week. one night some people were staying a bit late and i get a knock at the side door. the dude is there. he asks me to step outside. i do, and his wife is behind him and he says that his wife is convinced that our spouses are sleeping together, but he's there to deny it. i'm OK and while i know that it's not impossible, i'm pretty sure my wife didn't choose to sleep with the 350 lb guy out of all options.
then she starts getting in her car honking and yelling at my wife calling her a whore for trying to steal her husband.
weird, but we're good.
next day, i get a call at work from my wife that the chick is beating on our door yelling at my wife calling her a whore, slut, home wrecker, etc. i tell her to go get the shotgun and keep the door locked. i start home and she says that she is still at it. i get home and the dude is sitting on our curb claiming his wife went crazy and was sure they were sleeping together. at this point i'm going to shoot the dude and i walk inside and my wife grabbed the GD pellet gun to defend herself against a raging cow.
i find it a funny story.
so we live in a downtown historic district of an old town. i live by perfectly kept plantations homes worth 1MM and crackhouses that i'm worried are going to blow up sometimes.
unfortunately one of our neighbors is a HUD based duplex. i've had my mix of puerto rican weed dealers (who was an effing awesome neighbor) to tweakers, to a sweet old illegal immigrant couple.
after living amongst rich people and the other side for a while, i've decided that i will take ANYTHING over white trash.
one couple that lived there for a while was a very overweight and loud/obnoxious. at first it was no biggie. they kept to themselves. then they would always come outside when we were coming or leaving and just stare. the dude scoped my wife all the time. which is fine. she's an attractive lady and he's pushing 350, so i'm not worried.
then it takes a turn for the weird. every time my wife or kids are outside, she would come out and stare her down. then i heard her call her a whore. i was like... ummm wut?
we used to host a small group from church at our house every week. one night some people were staying a bit late and i get a knock at the side door. the dude is there. he asks me to step outside. i do, and his wife is behind him and he says that his wife is convinced that our spouses are sleeping together, but he's there to deny it. i'm OK and while i know that it's not impossible, i'm pretty sure my wife didn't choose to sleep with the 350 lb guy out of all options.
then she starts getting in her car honking and yelling at my wife calling her a whore for trying to steal her husband.
weird, but we're good.
next day, i get a call at work from my wife that the chick is beating on our door yelling at my wife calling her a whore, slut, home wrecker, etc. i tell her to go get the shotgun and keep the door locked. i start home and she says that she is still at it. i get home and the dude is sitting on our curb claiming his wife went crazy and was sure they were sleeping together. at this point i'm going to shoot the dude and i walk inside and my wife grabbed the GD pellet gun to defend herself against a raging cow.
i find it a funny story.
Posted on 9/30/16 at 6:35 am to 3nOut
quote:
weird, but we're good.
You guys have the patience of Job.
Posted on 9/30/16 at 7:17 am to Lilarny
quote:
She's 35 now and still can only cook maybe 4 decent meals
I take it you eat out a lot.
Posted on 9/30/16 at 8:12 am to 3nOut
quote:
shotgun
quote:
pellet gun
Take a couple of minutes to explain to her the differences.
Posted on 10/2/16 at 1:12 pm to LanierSpots
I cook everything. Lol. No shite. Everything
Posted on 10/2/16 at 4:59 pm to 3nOut
quote:
next day, i get a call at work from my wife that the chick is beating on our door yelling at my wife calling her a whore, slut, home wrecker, etc. i tell her to go get the shotgun and keep the door locked. i start home and she says that she is still at it. i get home and the dude is sitting on our curb claiming his wife went crazy and was sure they were sleeping together. at this point i'm going to shoot the dude and i walk inside and my wife grabbed the GD pellet gun to defend herself against a raging cow.
i find it a funny story.
Where's the ending? I want to know what happened!
Posted on 10/2/16 at 6:16 pm to SanAg
We were fishing with a bunch of our friends off my buddy's dock on Wolf Bay, all of in our early 20's at the time.
We're finishing up for the afternoon, so my buddy pulls the crab traps in to check them before we pack it in for the day.
He empties out a few crabs and a seahorse. My wife gets all wide eyed looking at the seahorse like she'd seen an alien.
I make some comment like yeah that's pretty cool, you don't see a seahorse everyday. She gives me an even more confused look.
Long story short, up until that moment, she thought seahorses were mythical creatures like unicorns and mermaids
We're finishing up for the afternoon, so my buddy pulls the crab traps in to check them before we pack it in for the day.
He empties out a few crabs and a seahorse. My wife gets all wide eyed looking at the seahorse like she'd seen an alien.
I make some comment like yeah that's pretty cool, you don't see a seahorse everyday. She gives me an even more confused look.
Long story short, up until that moment, she thought seahorses were mythical creatures like unicorns and mermaids
Posted on 10/2/16 at 7:30 pm to Cheese Grits
One day I was outside, sitting in a beach chair, smoking a fine Havana, and watching my wife cut the grass.
The lady across the street makes a beeline toward me, and upon arriving in front of me, exclaims "You ought to be hung!"
To which I reply, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
The lady across the street makes a beeline toward me, and upon arriving in front of me, exclaims "You ought to be hung!"
To which I reply, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
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