Leo, your family will be in my prayers.

Lot of good stuff ITT, just want to share some personal observation. Not suggesting I know more than the next guy, just sharing in case it’s helpful to anyone.

(Not directed at OP, but some of the other comments) I’d advise to be careful on being so sure the suicide threats are always manipulation. Yes, that certainly happens a lot, but BPD has very high rates of attempts and success. I saw years of loud threats, some barely drawing blood “just let me bleed out”s, etc. But she hid and was sneaky when she actually did attempt. Pills. Threats were for me, the real attempts were for her. I have real guilt about not seeing things, possibly because I “knew” she’d never do it for real, and just being lucky she wasn’t good at it.

Something most of us will never understand is how absolutely devastating it is for them to perceive being abandoned. Makes even less sense when they actively and aggressively push “their people” away. Do everything you can to reinforce that she’s loved and you have her back when she’s not asking for it/acting out. Hopefully fill the void. Hug her. A lot. Just because. And despite her protests :D You can’t control whether she accepts it, you can only control whether you put it out there.

My wife calls it going dark. I don’t know if this is normal for everyone, but she would do everything she could to hide it. Shame, mostly. Which leads to feeling more isolated and make everything worse. It took a very long time for her to be willing to me know when things start going South. But we got finally got here. And it beats the hell out of getting blamed for not seeing things that are purposely being hidden from you ;)

I’m not that guy who’s going to say living right, diet & exercise solves everything. But I have a lot of experience that physical activity and eating right at least correlates with if not causes being “better”. Find a way to incorporate these, bonus points for making it quality family time.

Get therapy for the family with someone who knows bpd. She’s going to lash out. She’s going to figuratively blow things up, or literally set boxes on fire. She’s going to push your buttons. You need tools. Also, read the books that have been recommended.

Some have suggested that this is evil. I don’t follow that line of thought. But I do feel there is similarity in how to fight it. Weeds only grow where they are allowed space. Darkness can only exist in the absence of light. If your bucket is full to the brim with good, there’s no room to slip in something bad. Don’t allow space for the weeds.

The rule of (at least) 51. If you don’t take care of yourself you won’t be able to take care of others. Same concept of putting your air mask on first. You can’t rescue anyone if you’re passed out on the floor.

DBT is the way. Good news is it can definitely work to repair what is broken. (Potentially) Bad news is she has to want to and be open to it. Try to be sure to always frame it positively.

God bless you Brother. You have a lot of dudes here that love you and want to support and help. At the very, very least, you know you have a place to come to vent.

This post was edited on 4/30/24 at 2:16 am