Rick Karle writes letter to Cowherd on behave of "boring" Alabama football team

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Karle's Korner: Hey Cowherd! Boring Nick Saban is on the verge of winning another!

Mr. Colin Cowherd
Fox Sports
10201 West Pico Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90064

Dear Colin,

Yadda, yadda.... I apologize for not writing you sooner, but I lost track of you since you were sent packing by ESPN. ....... Of course, you can imagine how boring my life has been over the last few weeks here in the backwoods of Alabama. While I haven’t had much to do recently, I did get a chance to take a quick trip to Dallas only days ago. It was there that my football team smashed the living daylights out of the 3rd-ranked football team in the nation. You may have read that we beat Michigan State by the score of 38-0, as I made sure that I didn’t order my players to score sixty and thus ruin my team’s reputation of being, as you call it, “bland.”

First, your insistence that my team is boring. I couldn’t agree more- in fact when you think about it, you can’t spell “Alabama Crimson Tide” without “borin’”. Take my defense, for example: The unit is ranked #1 in the nation in rush defense, holding opponents to an average of 146 less rushing yards than their game average (the Michigan State game is a perfect example, as the Spartans went into the national semi-final averaging 167 rushing yards a game and came out with a whopping 29 rushing yards).

You called my quarterback play “unwatchable” ......Those 50-yard bombs to true freshman Calvin Ridley? Boring! ..... Now Jake did lead his team to 38 points against a team that beat Michigan, Ohio State, and Iowa, but I just wish he could have been, well, more snappy! And I do want to apologize on behalf of my offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin. Reports had him mouthing the word “b-o-r-i-n-g” seconds after Ridley caught one of his bombs against the Spartans. In no way were those words pointed at you, Colin,

And your comments about calling my star tailback a “replaceable part”? Once again, I’m with you, as I was less than impressed that Derrick Henry rushed for only a few thousand yards this season and won the Heisman Trophy. Think about it: Derrick is a junior from boring Yulee, Florida, yet set the all-time SEC single-season rushing mark set 30 years ago by a guy named Herschel Walker (who I found to be boring too)

And me? Look, I admit I’m the most boring college football coach in America- heck, my day starts with two Little Debbie’s and a black coffee- what’s exciting about that? And my career? Yuck! If I beat Clemson, I will only have four national championships in the last seven years. What will I do then? I’ll land the nation’s top recruiting class in February, play some golf surrounded by my personal golf instructors in April and May, hang out at my mansion at Lake Burton, GA in June, peek in on my Mercedes dealership in July, and continue to find ways to shelter some of my annual $7 million salary in August. And then I’ll get another raise (yawn). After that? All I’ll have to look forward to is finding ways to win my sixth career national title, which would equal the titles won by a former coach named Bryant.

I’m glad my people finally found you Colin, and I want to personally wish you great success in 2016. I also want to thank your scrawny Pac-12 butt for motivating my players and helping them win in the most boring fashion ever. Have a great year, and be sure to go on one of your huge Alabama rants in early December. It might just help me win it all… again.

Sincerely,
Your boring friend Nick

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