Since the topic of the day seems to be sidewalk fans, I realized that we just don't have enough, and that is why we fail. So I'd like to invite fans of every other school to come cheer for us. Why? You need reasons? Well, okay, I'll see if I can give each fanbase a reason:

Are you a South Carolina fan and terrified of the day OBC retires? Our coaches don't retire. If they're good enough to last for more than a couple years, they quit. If not, they run us into the fricking ground and then get fired because the administration can't think of anything else to do. It'll be a lot less stressful cheering for us, trust me.

Are you a Bama fan and tired of your success leading to accusations of rampant cheating and sister-fricking? Come over -- the only time anyone accuses us of cheating is when we use a graphing calculator instead of our fingers to do vector calculus, and when we frick our sisters, people understand it's only because we couldn't get a better date to the prom.

Are you an LSU fan sick of regularly being one of the best teams in the country...but second-best in your own division? The SEC-E was just won by Missouri. Let me repeat that -- The. SEC-E. Was. Just. Won. By. The. Silliest. Team. In. The. SEC. You have to like your odds with us.

Are you an Auburn fan and tired of being a laughingstock for being the only current SEC member with a losing record against Vandy? Come over and join us in laughing at those losers over at Auburn football who can't even break .500 against Vandy. Yes, we're immune to irony. Consider it a perk.

Are you a Kentucky fan who's bothered that the biggest recruiting tool your football coach has is "Come play for us and you might get to meet our basketball coach (if you're lucky.)" You'll be better off here -- our pitch is "You'll get to meet the football coach (assuming he doesn't get a better offer from literally any other D-1 school in the country before you set foot on campus.)"

Are you a Florida fan desperately trying to remember what an offense is? We'll be able to get Penn State games streamed live to Tennessee to help jog your memories.

Are you a Mississippi State fan? Nashville is not Starkville. Nuff said, right? No? Well, to get your attention, I'd point out that we have bars with both Bud Lite and regular Bud on tap. That twice as much entertainment as you currently have in Starkville, and twice the odds of getting laid.

Are you an Ole Miss fan and have always craved that black head coach you can hang in effigy when he loses a game, any game, even practice scrimmages? Our current head coach is not only black, he's even blacker than our last head coach. If the trend holds, our next coach will be so black your white robes will turn beige just from being in his presence.

Are you a Missouri fan who just wants to feel welcome in the SEC? Well, you're not. That's just how it's always going to be. But we're a charter member, so you can cheer for us. Everybody embraces Vandy fans with open arms and only a few rolled eyes.

Are you a Georgia fan whose coach has lost control of every damned program in the country? We now have an angry black man as coach (see OM above) and I'm pretty sure he's actually Samuel L. Jackson. So he not only has control, unlike your coach, he doesn't think goshdarn mudderfrackin' is the worst profanity imaginable.

Are you an Arkansas fan who wants a program not represented by a breakfast meat? Seriously, what's with that, anyway? We might not know what a Commodore is (a computer, right?) but at least we don't have fans taping their noses up and posting it to Youtube.

Are you a TAMU fan sick of all the gay jokes? When we aren't getting laid by the opposite sex, people don't think we're gay. They just think we're hopeless nerds. It's a much better environment, with more graphing calculators and fewer arse-less chaps. You'll like it. Just...just stay out of our communal gym showers, mmkay? Being nerds, we wear our underwear when showering around other people anyway.

Are you a Tennessee fan? I'm so, so sorry. Now go frick yourself. We don't need you sidewalking bandwagoners latching onto a more successful program.

Hopefully we'll see some of you joining us in the fall. Cheers!